The Building Blocks of Good Leadership

I often say people can only love others out of the capacity from which they’ve received love. If a person has never experienced a real and unconditional love, it is difficult for them to display the same to others. This approach helps me tremendously in my personal and professional relationships. Helps me to not take things personally, and helps me to take people for exactly who and where they are.

I recently found the same to be true of leadership. People can often only be good leaders of teams if they have experienced good leadership (or undergone coaching, just as people whose personal lives were void of love can learn to love properly through therapy). Those who are toxic, abusive leaders are often that way because they have been subjected to toxic and abusive leadership. Those who are kind and empathetic and human-first in their leadership more often are products of environments that center humanity and care about people over products or productivity.

What I have learned in my 15 years of leading teams is that people are actually more productive when you center their needs and show you care about their personal and professional development. When people feel you care, their motivation becomes rooted in a need to not let you down, which is a far more powerful motivator than any deadline or incentive system at work. I am often demanding as a leader, but I try to balance asking for a lot with also supporting team members, celebrating them, and encouraging them to keep what’s really important in life at the forefront.

You want to take a few hours in the middle of the day to go have lunch at your kid’s school? Please do that—they will only be this age once. As long as you’re meeting the deadlines we agreed to and you’re getting everything done, guess what? It does not matter to me how you structure your day.

Many people are juggling responsibilities like caring for aging parents, sick spouses, or children. Everyone’s mental health is being impacted by a 24-hour news cycle and constant access to information that centers tragedy and trauma because it sells.

With many people still working remotely, the lines between personal and professional time are often blurry, and people should not feel like they have to choose between their loved ones and the need to make a living to continue to support themselves and their families. I have found that when you trust people to manage their lives in a way that makes the most sense for them, they will not only not abuse that trust, they are actually more productive as a result.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to respect the ability of adult professionals to manage their own time and workloads and to give folks the autonomy to say when something is unreasonable. When asking people to add additional priorities to their plates, I always ask if something needs to be offloaded to make room for the shifting priorities. What deadlines can we move on other projects? Is there something that can be transitioned to another team member with more capacity—or something I can do myself to make it easier to get the job done? Obviously, some deadlines are time-sensitive, but for other tasks, allowing team members to have a say in when they can reasonably complete them makes them feel respected and valued.

Try to avoid same-day requests—to the greatest extent possible, asking people what would be a fair turnaround time given the other things they may be juggling is a good practice. Again, sometimes crises come up or you have to move quickly to seize an opportunity, but for the most part, most “urgent” requests are actually things that could have been planned for in advance if the organization has the proper procedures in place.

Communication is critical. Clearly communicate your expectations and stick to them. If someone is failing to meet them, address it immediately—from a place of care and understanding, rather than one that makes the person feel threatened or defensive. Instead of leading with condescension and disappointment, lead with empathy and a genuine desire to support the improvement and growth needed to get back on track. Be solutions-forwarded in all conversations, and allow team members the opportunity to be co-architects and owners of the solutions. Follow conversations with an email recapping timelines and action items discussed.

Acknowledge and celebrate small wins. Growth is hard, especially when you are pushing people to operate outside of their comfort zones. Call out positive behavior and celebrate progress toward goals. Create a culture where people are accustomed to celebrating together, where there is transparency about the areas leaders may fall short and the path to getting back on track. Help team members understand that progress, not perfection, is the goal.